Reset

one step at the time

2004-01-01T09:12:00.000-06:00

in one year my life will be so different, you couldn't tell the path that takes me from here to there, you couldn't recognize me. If it goes as planned, I'll live on my own, if it goes better than planned I'll be living with daniella. I'll have my car and my cat and my three guitars in a place I can call my own. I'll be happier than ever before.

yesterday I saw nayudel at the supermarket (i know that's a really ugly name).

she was a girl form high school, she was really sweet: every time I escaped from school, she used to pick my notebooks and stuff, put them in my backpack and look for me after school. she also used to go get me some coke and a sandwich when I'd get hungry during class.

actually, she was mad about me and I used that to get some special treatment, but never giving more than a thanks and a warm smile so I could keep using her good disposition.

I was a bastard.

Well, the point is that she was there yesterday, and I approached with the burst of self-confidence I get when I know the girl will be happy to see me.

I approached, and I observed her hairdo was better, and I was starting to figure out she was looking really good.

One step in front of her she watched me.

And I saw, surprised, she was holding a man's hand, and carrying a little kid.

She watched my surprise and smiled at me.

We're getting old.

And she was really beautiful. I wonder: was she at 14 as beautiful as she's at 20 and I did never notice? Was I to busy with the teasers and the stupid girls to notice under my nose that the sweetest girl next door was the most appealing and healthy choice? Maybe. I'm hell bad figuring the difference between a good looking good girl and a good looking bad girl. And I always tend too end with the bad ones, the ones that will use me, the ones that will change their mind just to watch my sorrow, the ones that won't be sure, the ones that will leave me behind. There must be about 2 exceptions in the about 20 girls I got closer to.

And the best choices always been kept in the second line.

Maybe my old theory is right: the only women that haven't hurted me are those who haven't had the chance yet. It makes sense.

Where?

2003-11-28T18:17:00.000-06:00

Hazel, sitting next to me today, keeps asking: "hey alf, where are you? you're never here with me lately."
me:"..."
me:"Nope, I don't know where am I right now. My head's on the clouds right now I think..."

Yesterday, waiting for daniella I sketched a piece of poem:

¿Adonde me llevan?
Esta mente ya no es patria,
esa lluvia ya no me moja
y esos rayos ya no me alcanzan.

¿Adonde he ido?
Ahora ya no me encuentro
huyendo en mis laberintos
hacia tus noches,
cazando los unicornios
en tus ojos invictos.

¿Cuando volveré
a plantar en tus manos
mis partidas;
a clavar en tus días
mis muertes;
a callar en mis pies
el "sin regreso"
de mi sombra?

¿En dónde estoy,
si no es aquí,
si no es en ti?

Now, for the non-spanish speking:

Where do they take me?
This mind is homeland no more,
that rain won't soak me
and that lightning won't reach me.

Where have I gone?
Now I can't find me
escaping in my labyrinths
to your nights,
hunting the unicorns
in your flawless eyes.

When will I be back
to sow in your hands
my departures;
to nail in your days
my deaths;
to shut in my feet
the "no return"
of my shadow?

Where am I,
if not in here,
if not in you?

If somebody knows where I am, contact me.

Listening to: Taking Over Me - Evanescence.

Under Pressure

2003-11-21T18:31:00.000-06:00

Programming contest tonight! Starting at 9pm, ending tomorrow 7am.

Teams of three. A whole program to develop. Speed and skill put to test.

I love contests.

Wish me luck

alf is back

2003-11-18T10:47:00.000-06:00

So, photoblog is really nice, such an experience, but since I don't even have a camera, sometimes I just need to write without an image.

so, I'll try again here.

"This is the end, my only friend, the end"

2003-11-01T18:51:00.000-06:00

I couldn't help to feel moved, to be afraid, I don't know why,while reading bernardo's apparent last post.
I didn't feel so abandoning this blog. But now I see what I just did. And I feel guilty.
Now we're all zombies. Our links from other blogs will vanish with the time, except from other zombies, and their so treasured dead links.
Walk away, hear them say poisoned hearts will never change, walk away again"
Yes, we always can start again, it's never too late, my friend. Be it on our new photoblogs, be it here again, be it somewhere else... we have every fucking chance to start again at any time. anything we want. Just keep the faith, like those fast riffs near the end of every meat loaf's song, so full of hope. I know this words will move you. Not only about blogging, but about life. Because I know more about you than you suspect (I read between every line).
Life is good, no matter if it's shattering. We're like incense sticks burning, our fate is ashes; but in the meantime, we can be precious parfume spreading away.

moving out.

2003-10-13T17:06:00.000-05:00

I'm tired of rockstar41.blogspot.com

I'm moving out, seeking for greener pastures.

Remember the photoblogging idea... Well, I'm gonna do that.

Check me out at alf's landscape... powered by PhotoBlog, and pizza.

I'm getting a new template, since I proved I'm too lazy for making templates, I'm getting memory space for photos, and a nice little community of people with cameras. I get a warm fuzzy feeling thinking about this new blog. hehe.

Listening to: TNT - AC/DC.

Poisoned hearts will never change

2003-10-08T16:14:00.000-05:00

The love story goes on and on, tragedy and beauty, salt in our wounds, and all that stuff.

It's strange when things go more or less as planned. It's not usual.

I had other plans once. Plans of summer, warmth, smiles. And I ended up in the rain, alone with a blue-eyed black cat and a green-eyed pale woman. Now I just want to stay where I am now, for I learned to love things this way, I've turned to my dark side, and it hasn't let me down...

I left my anthropology studies for a cold laptop and the compulsive rythm of a software engineer's life.

In two years I turned from this hippie boy to this dark, rational man. bye smiles, hello happiness.

Not all the happy ends are predictable...

Photoblogging

2003-10-03T15:53:00.000-05:00

I don't like appearing in photos. Consequently, I don't think about taking photos.

But, an image says more than a million words.

I never had a camera. I only take pictures when tourists ask me to and give their cameras til they pose for a picture they'll show everyone when they go home.

And that time I made that sociology investigation in univ. Taking pictures of people who lives with less than a dollar a day and the environment in which they live. I almost lived with them for one week. And I got some strange stomach sickness.

Those pictures were acclaimed. So bad I didn't keep them.

I could take my father digital camera and take some pictures of the things I do everyday. Yep, a photoblog.

I know john will agree that I live in a great place for photoblogging, and he could give me some tips about getting that started.

In the meantime, I could send him some old Tivives pictures I have. The place where I met Maricela... I'd be brave to come back there.

It could be a nice tropical-sub urban photoblog. A strange kind of life. d won't let me take pictures of her, now that I think about it.

I think I live surrounded by the landscape others pay to see, others crave to see, I could give them a look of that. Sounds funny.

Check out The Dark Side, a test answered by me got posted!

Listening to: Stone Free- Jimi Hendrix.

Too friendly and too orderly for my taste

2003-10-01T10:27:00.000-05:00

The Big Five Personality Test

Extroverted	\|\|\|\|\|\|	22%
Introverted	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Friendly	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Aggressive	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Orderly	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Disorderly	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Relaxed	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Emotional	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Practical	\|\|\|\|	14%

Take Free Big 5 Personality Test

Look at this

2003-10-01T10:21:00.000-05:00

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Test

Isn't it ironic

2003-09-29T10:10:00.000-05:00

d's acting real sweet lately.

talked with maricela the other day. She made me think a lot.

If I could take the best from both I'd have the perfect girl:

keywords:
d:
constance.
mind challenging.
safety.

maricela:
warmth.
feels like a human.
muse. if I was a poet.

seems like one has exactly what the other lacks of.

I'm making a plan to get me and d out of this country, maybe around august 2004, if she wants. And I have a long list of countries:

Germany: My first choice. d's not very optimistic about it. And she's not learning german.
Iceland: That'd be cool.
Finland.
India: India seems to be calling me. d doesn't like the idea of getting out this poor country to go to one poorer.
Japan: d hates japanese food.
Morocco: Nice, but hot.
Russia: Mother Russia. Szpaciba. I love it.

It's some sort of cultural exchange program. I have an appointment with this people on wednesday, to see how much it costs.

Lure

2003-09-27T12:27:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I woke up, with that feeling I used to have everyday long time ago.

Now it doesn't show up often.

I felt like the king of the world.

So I dressed for success: the same clothing of the two days and nights before. Didn't wash my hair; just a fast shower and a huge breakfast and I took my stuff and walked away. Days like these are great to get girls, to write some code, to jam and get some cool song out of it, whatever you want.

Long day at school: working at my project, helping people who's taking Programación 2 (I'm teacher's assistant again).

At night took the bus back home.

I just walk in and I saw her: white as milk, blue killer eyes, tall as me, won't fall into details; but she's the kind of girl you only see in the tv.

And she was looking at me, so shamelessly that I couldn't help to get coloured and look away.

There were no seats left, so I was on my feet, looking thru the window, thinking about my stuff: how to make that pc game I've got in mind, thinking about d, sad things about d.

After about a half hour she said to me: "You look sad."

I said nothing, just looked at her, without looking at her. Then looked away again. If I was 16 I couldn't take my eyes away from a woman like that. In fact, I'd be drooling.

Then, this girl named Karen that lives near my parents house gets in the bus, we hadn't talked in years, and she asked: "You still play guitar? You still compose?" I said yes.

Then the mistery girl interrupts: "Hey sad boy, I bet you write the saddest songs"

That was right, it deserved an answer. "I guess", I replied.

She said: "You don't look like you wanna talk to me"
I:"... .... ... Well, what do you want me to say?"
She: "I don't know, I just moved to this town, I would have liked to meet you, I don't know anyone here"
I: "I'm honoured, but I'm not the social kind of guy"
She: "That makes you more interesting. I get out the bus in this stop, so bye. You are cute, so bad you're so hard to reach... See you around.
I:"..."

I got coloured again and looked away. She walked out the bus.

Karen: "Okay, Are you gay or are you married or are you crazy?
I: "gay: no, married: almost, crazy: definitely."

Miss perfect shows up at the worst time she could.

I don't know if she'd be worth a try. Out of d, love is like kicking a dead horse to me now. You get nothing out of it.

But she was so beautiful, and she looked at me so warmly.

That doesn't happen any day. Not even happens often in what I'd call a good day.

d's weakness is that she won't make you feel loved even if she does. d's strength about it is that I can control the loneliness I feel and remain loyal even if it looks like neglection to my heart.

d's strength is my blind devotion.

It was really a good day, it feels cool when someone acts like you're what she's been looking for.

I knew it was a bad plan

2003-09-26T09:04:00.000-05:00

d's selfish.

she can go out all the time, she can be with people all of the time, and I'm left alone.

But I disappear from sight for one week and she's the victim and I'm not worth her love.

She calmed down already, but seems like my revolution won't work at all.

We won't change: she'll stay on the streets and I'll stay behind a computer screen.

I'm happy with her, but I wish she'd be fine standing next to me, instead of being out looking for fun. It's been our difference all the way. It's funny, the reasons why we are as we are are the same. Similar traumas, similar families, similar relationships with no good people.

We ran from the same starting line, but in opposite directions. It triggered in her the need of crowds, of affection from many sources. It triggered in me the wish of solitude, darkness, coldness.

I don't understand her: people hurted her and she still loves those who hurted her so bad, and she tries to be like them.

I, I been hurt less than her and I despise anyone who reminds me of that, I hide from people, I try to look menacing, I trust a laptop more than a human.

She isn't logic, and I'm completely rational.

However, if someone's gonna give me a tough life, I want her to be that someone; I'm staying with her, even if I don't understand her, even if I have to give her space for her crowds. She's free, God help me, to do everything she wants, every little wish I don't even suspect. And I'll try not to react no matter what she does.

The ultimate test of trust.

And this is a worst plan. But it's better than parting ways. Anything's better than losing her. She's the last one, no matter if she leaves tomorrow or if we stay together till we're 90. I'm tired, and no one I've been close hasn't betrayed my trust at least once. It's not worth it, kissing so many frogs to find my charmed princess; if d leaves, I'll know I'm not the kind of man who has a couple on this world. Take a look at the statistics, 16 girls have been a waste of time, and the only three who have been better: gloria, maricela and d hurted me more than the other 16. I'm certainly not made for this bad business they call love. I'd better stay out of it.

But d's worth the last shot. I'm obsessed with her, can't think of anything that's not related to her.

Just one look into your eyes,
one look and I'm crying,
'cause you're so beautiful.

Just one kiss and I'm alive,
one kiss and I'm ready to die,
'cause you're so beautiful.

Just one smile and I'm wild,
one smile and I'm on fire,
'cause you're so beautiful.

I hate it when I'm right

2003-09-19T08:49:00.000-05:00

d's out all of the time. Bars, concerts, movies, friends.

Turning 18 is the worst idea she could have.

Tomorrow she's going to Helloween's gig. Some guy bought her a ticket. I'm not jealous because someone gets her tickets. When she worked in radio u she made a lot of contacts. Rock bands she interviewed, managers of famous foreign bands, press people. They've got tickets for free by the dozen. And I know there's people who really likes her, and there's no problem with that.

But I feel they're taking my space. Now I have to wait 'til she's having fun out there, staying at home, just to see if she calls, knowing she won't.

I can forsee it'll always be like that. And wait 'til we have kids. She's not maternal at all. I'll be watching for them all the time, while she's having a good time God knows where. I have an aunt that is like that.

One of us is being selfish. Maybe both.

But I don't want to say something that makes her not go to the concert. I can't compete against a german power metal band, I don't want to make her choose. So I've been hiding.

The only way to not say something I'll regret is not saying anything at all.

So, she hasn't heard from me in almost one week.

Maybe she hasn't missed me. She has much to do: teaching spanish to that green ass old american man. Hanging with her german friend everyday. Going to every class with her goth friend.

~~Now I'm jealous.~~

And I'd have the right to complain if I wouldn't hang with michelle, h, erica, and wondering when will I see maricela.

But it's different. I don't do that constantly.

THINGS ARE GONNA CHANGE.

Yes.

If she plays that way, I'll do the same.

But she got mad when I went to play eight ball with some school guys two months ago.

Well, let her go mad.

I'm going to the movies with h.

I'll walk all around the town with michelle seeking for anthills to stare at ants for hours.

I'll have more midnight san jose corner philosophical speeches with erica. She's okay if I screw her business once or twice a week. She needs a friend more than the money, she says.

I'M BREAKING FREE

Not that I don't love her more than life.

But I think we'll do better if I don't feel like I'm in a golden cage.

I'm gonna do something for my look, even if she likes me as I look now.

I'm going to magic tournaments. And I'm going to play eight ball all night and loose all my money on bets, or get rich. Sometimes I get killer winning streaks.

She'll be mad. And she'll feel as lonely as I feel now, maybe. But I'm not stopping 'til she stops too. I'm okay if I don't do anything but staying with her. But for she, I'm one of the many things she does, and though she says I'm her most important task, that's less than she being my only task. So I'm leveling things, in order to have a sane relation. And she's not gonna like it.

I love her and I want her to stay forever with me, so don't misunderstand me.

If I didn't love her. I wouldn't be doing this.

I gotta go, I have to get a haircut.

Black cat name contest opens!

2003-09-11T19:23:00.000-05:00

On tuesday I saw d, and she gave me a gift, one of the coolest gifts I've ever got: a black cat.

It's a female, and has blue eyes and is about two weeks old. But I don't know how to name her.

Some hints for names have been(hint-giver after every name):

Luz (d)
Nube (my mother)
Sol (me)
Perla (me)
Cat (many)
Jimmy Fish (my brother Roberto)
Setiembre (me)
Felicia (me)
Shade (h)
Jade (h)
Azul (me)
Terror (me)
Ghost (me)
Usted (me)
Pantera (my father)

Other times I had cats their names were: Cual,Viernes,Cuando. Really cruel (Which,Friday and When). So, my choices this time are actually good. I expect to have a name chosen someday during this week. I can proudly say I've been giving the worst name options. What do you expect from someone who once called a dog "Eutanasia"???

Mood: Great.
Listening to: Boys of summer - The Ataris (another for maricela, gotta post the lyrics one of these days)

Sorry for this template, I swear it's temporary

2003-09-11T19:07:00.000-05:00

The other day, talking to h, she said about d similar stuff that d said about her, it was funny: "What? You know that bitch??? You better stay away from her!!" To d I answered: "Well, I've talked to har a couple times, and I think she's nice, but I don't know if we'll be like friends or anything, don't worry.". That was like 2 months ago. To h I said yesterday: "Huh? she's my girlfriend, and yes, she can be a bastard when she wants". Someone else could feel offended. But d has a bad reputation and I know.Like every good looking girl. They're both good looking, and have a lewd attittude sometimes, so, it's funny seeing to similar persons thinking the same about each other and considering each other some kind of opposition.

I screwed the other template, so this is to get things going 'til I find or make a better one.

In this diary

2003-09-07T10:36:00.000-05:00

I've been comparing.

I talk definitely more about maricela than about d in this blog.

Maybe because d's never been a good muse. maricela was a great one, so bad the poet in me was dead before her time. I could have made some nice poems thinking about the way she used to look at me.

So, this blog is mostly about her, and I talk to her more than to anyone else on this blog.

"In This Diary"
The Ataris

Here in this diary,
I write you visions of my summer.
It was the best I ever had.
There were choruses and sing-alongs,
and not a spoken feeling.
I'm knowing that right now is all that matters.
All the nights we stayed up talking
and listening to 80's songs;
quoting lines from all those movies that we love.
It still brings a smile to my face.
I guess when it comes down to it...

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters
is just following your heart
and eventually you'll finally get it right.

Breaking into hotel swimming pools,
and wreaking havoc on our world.
Hanging out at truck stops just to pass the time.
The black top's singing me to sleep.
Lighting fireworks in parking lots,
illuminate the blackest nights.
Cherry cokes under this moonlight summer sky.
2015 Riverside, it's time to say, "goodbye."
Get on the bus, it's time to go.

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters
is just following your heart,
and eventually you'll finally get it right.

----
Of course, not all of it applies, but change some places names, there was no cherry coke, nor swimming pools, nor truck stops, but the rest, and the feeling, is completely right.

Mood: Fine.
Listening to: Seven Days A Week - The Sounds. (She's pretty, for a blonde girl).

..dhdj.pn.kvnkv.nv.bednjdj.npnoa. gpd.kd.qvx.a.rdzah.bvhgpd.kd.acv...

2003-09-07T10:07:00.000-05:00

¿recuerdas eso? a lo mejor no.

So far, I still know who you are, but know I wonder who I was

2003-09-04T08:32:00.000-05:00

It's funny, how times pull their changes unnoticedly, and when you figure out you're another person, having another life.
Last night I dreamed, and maricela was there, and I woke up thinking the dream was not long enough, I wanted to see her a while.
"I've seen a shooting star tonight, and I thought of you

However, I'm not who I was one year and 8 months ago, but I don't know who I was nor what I wanted. Now I know a lot about me, I know where to go, what to do and how to do it, I know what I want. I think that in the old times I didn't know what I wanted, and I was forgetting how to get it.

But time passed.

I got used to green eyes, to coldness, to slight tragedy reminiscence on every corner.

d turns 18 tomorrow. Damn. I will have to be looking for her in every damn bar in San Pedro... I know it, and the fact she's excited about it is not a good signal. Now she'll be in concerts, in ugly independent films, and loud bars with her classmates. michelle turned 18 in may and she hasn't gone to get her id. d will be there first thing in the morning. When I turned 18 I didn't got the id, I actually went for it when I got the benz, just because I needed it for getting the driver's license. Why? because I don't do any other thing where there's necessary to show you're over 18. d's gonna get me a headache about this... really.

But I'm used to it too.

And I'm used to perfect lips and razorblade sharp thought.

I'm used to her talking in languages I don't know. And I'm used to talk in langages she doesn't know.

I kinda miss when I was used to need warmth, to crave for smiles and do whatever takes to make a girl smile, I miss having nowhere to go.

But maricela changed me.

But d changed me.

One was pushing, the other one was pulling. And I'm now so far from my hometown of thought. I never had roots, so the wind drove me away. I wonder if I'd ever leave where I stand know. Maybe not, I don't know the way back, and it ended up being dangerous, to be what I was. Much vulnerability, many hungers to kill. Now it's easier, now I starved to death any need d won't fill.

I just decided: I don't miss what I was, it sucked.

By the way. Taco Bell in San José is under remodeling. So, the table where I had lunch with laura trejos and mariela a few days after meeting them is gone. The table where I met mariela for second time, six months after we broke up is gone. The table where I saw d for the second time, the day of our first kiss, gone too. The table where I sat with maricela to have a drink one of those idyllyc afternoons is gone forever. When I entered there, there was not a place I could look without seeing me myself with someone special.

And I'm gonna love the new Taco Bell, nothing to remind me of anyone, maricela knows I like it that way, nothing to remind me of people who's gone.

Because for me, if something is not to last a lifetime, it's not worth living it, it's not worth to feel any joy for a happy story with a sad end.

Kinda wish d was the only one ever. Although it feels a bit sad to imagine a life without ever meeting maricela in the beach, without gloria... Now I'm figuring out something that destroys my theory: I actually need them in my story. I actually love them. At least maricela and gloria, where worth it, even if it's hell when I think how I could not keep them. But the rest, 16 of the 19 I've been close to, they can go to waste.

Mood:Great. But I have to get d a present and I have no money.
Listening to: Desolation Row - Bob Dylan. It was a song I could sing to maricela long ago.

The best and the worse

2003-09-01T09:45:00.000-05:00

Another stolen idea from "The dark side"

The worst days ever(going backwards):
Aug/02/03: Crashing my car.
May/16/03: d tells the second half of the truth about her childhood, oh boy, I hate the world, I hate it so.
Aug/11/02: d tells the first half of her story, lies despicably about the other half.
Mar/18/02: I find out maricela's with that guy. still makes my blood boil. And the summer was over forever.
Feb/22/02: I called d, and I was really rude to her.
Dec/23/01: d really made me feel bad. I thought I was never gonna see her again.
Jul/14/01: I steal my drummer's girlfriend, sofía.
Nov/23/99: Fire in my house. Not that I care much, but I lost my favorite shoes and my discman.
Jul/13/98: I made "love" with mariela, my first time ever. I wasn't really willing to. Now I wish d was first.
Apr/22/98: Mariela becomes my girlfriend. I had nothinig better to do with my time.
Nov/10/97: I'm expulsed from my favorite high school.
Aug/07/97: Maria kisses me, my first kiss. Now I wish gloria was first.
Before that, there are lots of ugly days, like figuring out my parents weren't really people I can trust, nor people I like to be close to, moving from Escazú to Desamparados, gloria taking me from heaven to hell and back a few times everyday, etc.

The best days ever:
Apr/13/03: Gave a ring to d.
Mar/25/03: d and I completely drunk, funny scene.
Mar/10/03: first time with d... heaven. I just wish she was the first one.
Apr/05/02: d's back to be my girl, after 4 months of despair.
Feb/11/02: maricela.
Dec/27/01: saw maricela after 2 years. I was so happy that day.
Dec/23/01: adrianne called, she made me feel much better, even if d was just gone. Thought she was next, I couldn't imagine who was just around the corner.
Sep/01/01: after a horrible week, d said yes when I asked her to be my girl. Exactly 2 years ago.
Jul/14/01: I steal my drummer's girlfriend, sofía.
Jul/20/00: I felt like the father of that little kid, one of the highest points ever.
Sep/03/99: first kiss with d. I remember I noticed she was one of the best kissers ever.
Sep/01/99: Met d. Exactly 4 years ago. Also met a red haired girl, never saw her again.
Dec/27/98: Met maricela, I prophetized that she could be an astounding woman when she'd grow up. Enough to drive me crazy. I was so right.
Sep/18/98: I was strong enough to end my relationship with mariela, that day I was a god.
Aug/10/98: Bought my first Poison album: "Greatest Hits". Never again an album changed my lifestyle in so many ways.
Sep/13/97: Kissed gloria. Wish she was the first kiss.
Feb/11/97: First day in my favorite high school. I found out I was gonna be quite popular. I was a great anti-hero, and had a perfect hair, girls liked my face, and boys admired my deeds. Life has never been like that anymore.

Certainly, there have been many other great moments. But that's enough food for thought for me for a while, I just had great reminiscences writing this.

Woher komme ich?

2003-09-01T08:13:00.000-05:00

Just got this test from a classmate:

You know you're latino if...

1. you have ever been hit by a chancla.
A/ Well, yeah. (a chancla is a sandal)<1 of 20>

2. you grew up scared by something called "El Coco".
I wasn't really scared, just was following my mom's game ("El Coco" is some sort of monster from songs they sing so kids fall asleep at night)

3. others tell you to stop screaming when you are really just talking.
Certainly not, I talk really quietly, but I spend all day wishing everyone else could talk decently instead of yelling like monkeys.

4. you light a candle to virgin Mary on the night of the Lotto drawing.
Nope, I don't play lottery and I don't light candles on behalf of deities. But I think I should play some sort of gambling, or bingo or something, I'm in need of cash right now

5. you use your lips to point something out.
No

6. you constantly refer to cereal as "con fleys".
I prefer Rice Krispies, corn flakes are featureless and flavourless.

7. your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you for dinner, even if it's a one bedroom apartment.
Hell yeah<2 of 20>

8. you can dance merengue, cumbia or salsa without music.
Not even with music

9. you use "manteca" instead of olive oil and can't figure out why your butt is getting bigger.
I actually fry stuff with a random mix of butter and sunflower oil

10. you call your sneakers "tenis."
Oh yeah. But, where did it started? why is that?<3 of 20>

11. you have at least thirty cousins, not including loco Julio working at "Don Pipo's".
Nope, I have a strangely little family for latin american standards, and I don't even know the most of my cousins, now d has a huge family, spread all over this country and guatemala, but believe me, there are hundreds of them.

12. you can't imagine anyone not liking spicy food
I put lots of cayenne and pepper on every little sandwich <4 of 20>

13. you are in a five passenger car with seven people in it and a person shouting "subanse, todavia caben".
Yeah, I've been into the situation, but in a bus is worse.<5 of 20>

14. whenever you feel under the weather, you compulsively dab on some "vapor rub" all over your chest and inside your nostrils.
I don't get that one

15. your mom packs your "lonchera" every day even though you've just turned thirty-two.
Of course (lonchera=lunchbox")<6 of 20>

16. you call the North Americans "gringos," including Canadians, and call all Asian people "chinos".
Certainly not, and that's rather foolish, to call "chinese" someone from japan, hong kong or taiwan. but they're really nice not to hate us for such an ignorance. there are some serious differences, racial hates and stuff like that we should be careful when dealing with asians. If you'd call "japanese" a chinese, he's certainly gonna knock you

17. you just don't get tired of the so called "sopitas".
If they mean "soup", yeah <7 of 20>

18. you don't think Jennifer Lopez is hot, "she is just another bitch with luck".
EXACTLY!!!!!, there are thousands of girls who are prettier, I don't know what people sees in her, she's not a good actress, she sings awfully, songs are stupid, and she's not actually pretty. Come on. <8 of 20>

19. your favorite heroes were "El Chapulin Colorado," or "Cantinflas."
I rather liked "Tres Patines", I like cuban accent. But yeah, when I was like 8 I used to watch anything<9 of 20>

20. Send this to all your Latino friends! ! ! ! You can also send this to your non-Latino friends, but if you have to explain more than three items, it just won't be as funny. If they don't need any explanation, "You know they are truly Latino!"
Well, I need explanation on one, maybe two items, and that's no more than three, and it was a bit funny, so I guess that : 10 of 20.

I'm surprised I'm actually 50% latin after all, much more than I thought I was. d must be like 17 of 20. oh well.

Right

2003-08-21T17:18:00.000-05:00

DO NOT ENTER
You're antisocial. And you like it that way. You
don't want unexpected company messing up the
way you like to live your life. You stay to
yourself, and if people come too close, you
believe you have every right to shoot them...

What's Your Sign?
brought to you by Quizilla

It doesn't looks like me, but I needed a change

2003-08-21T17:03:00.000-05:00

What do you think of this brand new color set?

I think it's way bizarre for the way I write. There'll be a contrast: light colors, dark thoughts...

I'm gonna keep this a while, if I get bored I'll get another.

There's some mess in the place I study... someone made this brilliant newspaper, about who's having sex with who in the dark corners of the univesity, gossip about everything, funny photos, etc. They haven't discovered who it is, but everyone suspects it's me, because I spend long hours here, I know everyone, but I'm not close with anyone, so you can't expect me to be someone they trust. It's funny.

In occident we don't have the basic right to say what we think, so he had to hide the stuff, until things cold down. Anyway, here's the link: Click here

Mood: Cool.
Listening to: Alright Alright - Sahara Hotnights (astounding).

2003-08-17T11:56:00.000-05:00

Little world

(I know she expects me to talk about this).
Well, last week I went with d to see a hungarian orchestra with a russian pianist in the Teatro Nacional, a landmark building in the center of San Jose. Yesterday we went again to see a Lituanian orchestra. It was just great, they played a lot of Tchaikovsky (my favorite).

I managed to get the worst seats both times... But yesterday we were lucky. We were the first in the line, and the guy that guided us to our seats said the someone cancelled the reservations, so we got relatively better seats (we could actually see the whole orchestra).

Ten minutes after our arrival... surprise surprise!! maricela walks in with her boyfriend and says hi stealthly. They walk to their seats, and the sat right next to the places we had the tickets.

I said to d: Look at her. She's maricela.
d: so, that's she...
I: yep.
d: I would have switched seats anyway... I wouldn't like to see you sitting next to her. Aren't you going to get there to say hello"?
I: Nop, we already did when she was just walking in. Besides, there's her fairy tale prince, and I'm not sure he'd be cool with me, and I feel stressed talking to him, I kinda think he fakes to be friendly, or at least it looks like that. He's a kid, he could make a scene... (sin afán de ofender)
d: I'd make a scene too if she comes.
I: really? why?
d: I don't know, I thought she was rather ugly, but she looks too classy for someone that steals other girl's boyfriend.
I: You don't want to have that convesation again. do you?
d:No, I know I was the one that was not being cool to you, so you ran away.
I: Are you still jealuos?
d: Of course. And the fact you don't like the boyfriend makes me think you are still competing. Yes I'm jealous. And I saw her looking at you.
I: Well, there's no need to be.

the concert started and we didn't talk anymore. Seems like d forgot about it. I'm glad it was not mariela who we saw there. now, that's a conversation I don't want to have...

Funny fact about girls names:
I've been boyfriend of:
Maria Elena
Maria
Mariela
I've had kissed:
Monica
Maricela
Marianela
Marcela
I've liked:
Mauren
Marielos
Marilyn

So, there must be some sort of conspiracy from someone, or stupidity from me, but I keep hanging with girls with names with "m" and none of them has meant less pain than joy. the only one who seems redeemed is maricela, one year and a half without hurting me, one year and a half that I'm extremely happy when we talk by phone or chat in messenger, and being glad and happy every time we meet.

funny thing, none of the names repeats, seeing it strictly.

Mood:Cool.
Listening to: Boogie Man - Aerosmith.

2003-08-13T23:16:00.000-05:00

Joy to the ears

Yesterday, h was so nice to me.

She lunched with me a huge sandwich, we chatted a bit about goth music (from Siouxsie to HIM). I love her voice, I think she'd make an excellent singer, I want her for a band. d forbids me to talk to her, but anyway, I know d's right, and h is a playgroung on fire, tapdancing on landmines, jumping on a nails bed...

mich is way sweet, so innocent, I love her voice, it has something that makes me feel so warm inside.

Today I saw natalie... She's funny, I understood again why I had a crush on her since she was a little girl.

but d, she's beyond it all, when she's around... when she's gone I'm full of doubts, I have question I need to have answered, but I know I don't have the right to ask.

There are so many ways out, but I stay with her.
In joy and sorrow.
I guess that's what love is about.

Mood: A bit tired. It's 10:22 pm. I go to bed at 8 30 usually.
Listening to: Sweet sixteen - Billy Idol.

2003-08-07T09:07:00.000-05:00

Bribri dictionary

d invited me to the presentation of this book tonight at the mexican embassy, it's a bribri dictionary.
But, what's bribri? bribri is the most complex and the most used of the costa rican native languages; actually, it's the official language in Talamanca, where the biggest aborigin reserve is placed.

Their language is very rich and adaptive, altought there's not a writing for it, it's only spoken.

It's very different from other pre-columbian languages, and one of the few that survives. Talamanca is one of the better spots to visit here if you're interested in culture and stuff like that.

Next monday there's a go-kart race in my university. Winner goes to national finals, and there are money prizes there... Let's give it a try. Since last saturday I won a bad driving reputation, so, other karts are gonna stay away from me... hehe.

Next saturday I'll go to the Teatro Nacional, to see a Lituanian orchestra, that's gonna be soooo cool.

Mood: Fine.
Listening to: I Feel Loved - Depeche Mode.

2003-08-06T18:54:00.000-05:00

Suddenly, one for mich

Si pudiera leer en tus ojos,
si pudiera descifrar tus pasos,
si pudiera ver entre cada linea,
si pudiera saberme perdido tras tus ojos,
ya no tendria que esconderme,
ya no tendria que callarme.

Y si tuviera como traerte
lo que falta en tus manos,
si tuviera como encontrarte
entre flores marchitas,
ya no tendriamos que buscarnos
el principio y el fin
de cada comienzo abortado.

Si pudiera lanzarte
como lluvia una promesa,
como trueno una confesion,
como angel una respuesta,
tal vez, tal vez entonces
tendria como leer en tus ojos.

Mood: I miss my car :'-(

Listening to: Piece Of Me - Skid Row

2003-08-05T09:23:00.000-05:00

The crash test dummy

On saturday morning I had a long "to do" list: taking my little brother to school, changing the car oil, washing the car, going to pick d after her chess training, going to the supermarket, and if I'd make the miracle to have spare time, I could make some homework.

God thought otherwise.

After giving my brother the ride to school. I came to this corner, made the stop as usual, watched there, nothing was coming... I Pressed the gas.

A couple seconds later I'm inside this ball of trash that used to be my beloved car...

Ouch.

Funny thing: I got not a scratch, nothing hurted, nothing. Turned off the radio and got out the car to see the truck that I thought hit me... It was a little suzuki... It was hard to know what it was after that. He hit my left front wheel with his left front one, so hard that we hitted again in our rear wheels(my right one and his left one). After that my car was going in the direction the other car was coming, and he just turned like 10 grades in the direction I was coming. His car's weight was like 300 kilos, mine was like a ton. And I flew 25 meters after the hit. He had to be around 80 km/h, maybe more.

The other guy had to be hospitalized, of course. Now he's fine in his house.

Both cars are wrecked, specially his. Mine's reparation would cost me almost what it costs to buy me another, and it's not going to look and feel as it used.

Insurance will pay the most of the deal. The other guy is gonna get a new car. I don't know if I'll be taking the bus til univ's done. I frankly don't care much.

But I'm quite impressed.

I really do have nine lives... and I always seem to fall on my two feet. And I was right: a mercedes benz is the safest place in the world.

That car was my friend, my home, my pet, my hideout, my office, my bed, the only place you could expect to find me with certainty. I'm gonna miss that driving machine. You don't know how much. At least till I get me another silver bullet.

Mood: Not so bad.
Listening to: Interstate Love Song - Stone Temple Pilots.*How appropiate*

2003-07-31T18:54:00.000-05:00

Es todo

Hay algo en tu distancia,
algo que mira sin mirar
y me roba la certeza.

Hay algo en mis palabras
que no logro descifrar
pero es como un "quizás".

Y si no tenemos un camino,
al menos tenemos esto
rasgando nuestras auras.

Hay algo en nuestros ojos
huyéndose negando
que se saben encontrar.

Let's see in english:

"There's something in your distance, something that sees without seeing, and steals my certainty.
There's something in my words that I just can't decode, but sounds like "maybe".
"And if we don't have a road, at least we've got this scratching on our souls.
There's something in our eyes, running away denying that they know how to find each other."

Mood: She's still a doubt, as forbidden as luring.
Listening to: Carry Us All - Oasis.

2003-07-23T20:16:00.000-05:00

Talent

What Kanji word best suits you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-07-23T17:04:00.000-05:00

Mr. Naive

Certainly there are things ain't made to handle.

d's past, my past. everybody's present.
Unwilling deeds i did, people pushed into situations before their time. And the morbid thoughts you and everyone has.
Innocence gets shorter everytime...
And I'm no moralist, even thought the disgusting things I've seen, even though scars me and my beloved one bear bound to other's desire. I'm actually pretty sick I think.
But I see things from another level, I'd never force anyone into the fulfillment of my wishes and I can proudly say that my craziest ideas have been fulfilled anyway.
So, in conclusion, we've been with many losers, who couldn't find the right way of getting what they craved for. But what are we? Victims of losers, then.
Remember this girl from univ? She's so open about sex, "so free" she says, but I rather think she's a bitch now. But there's still something fascinating about her. How much of a victim who got used is she? how much of a criminal? I can't dwell that far in her mind, and I think she's so cool even in her "averagity". Just a girl next door... She just asked me not to miss her when she's gone until tomorrow, seems were pretty much friends today, let's see tomorrow, she's unpredictable too.
Saw erica again... d would be mad if she knew I hang with a prostitute every now and then. I think she makes a cool friend, completely ununderstandable, since she's no victim at all (but, needing money is victimizing too, but not in the way this post is about.) She's way smart, and she could do anything she wanted to. She has just chosen a career with a bad reputation, but one of the biggest wallet fillers I've seen. She's a kid and she's millionaire, and hides it all under her pillow she says. She has no chief, so she gets all of the cash. She imvited me to a drink the other day. I'm starting to think she loves the job and that she's a natural on it, but I haven't see her perform and I'm not going to... Wanted to make that clear.

Mood: Cool as most of the time.
Listening to: Frankly, Mr. Shankly - The Smiths.

2003-07-21T17:56:00.000-05:00

Alf's outfit

Check this: this kid drives a mercedes benz, drinks coca cola all the time, wears old suede All-Star shoes, wears levi's and goes to the mall to see hollywood movies...

Damn! I'd hate this guy if it wasn't me!!!

Other days I'm more like this: a guy who drives an old dirty benz,drinks water and carries an old bottle of coke with water, wears old dirty shoes or boots, black clothing and spikes...

Much better.

I'm coming to think I'm really chameleonic, inside and out. can rush from pop to black metal in seconds, shift from love and kindness to mr.mean in a wink, etc.

It's not easy to know me, I don't know me at all. People gets confused. d knows me good, but still she gets surprised sometimes. michelle says she doesn't really know me, and I know me less than her...

Do you know me: I don't think so, you've been seeing few of my many faces. You can't tell who I am. But what do you think of the image I am. How cool is what you think you know. After all I kinda feel that's what matters... who alf is to everybody's eyes...

That is important to me, and it's cool to see I'm so many different persons for as many people as faces I have. The coolest part is that I'm completely true with everyone. If d was sitting next to michelle, for example, I'd be just as I am and I'd still be completely different for each one of them.

Mood: Cool.
Listening to: Sobredosis de tv - Soda Stereo.

2003-07-20T16:41:00.000-05:00

Icewoman cries boiling tears

So, told d everything: the bank metaphore, the coldness I'm thru, my sudden tendance to spend hours with michelle, because of school and because I need someone to lend me a hand thru my life, chatting, laughing about people, doing things I used to do with her.

She was sad, but she's acting much warmer lately.

I saw michelle today, it's really cool to stay a while with her, even if it's for homework. Guess I'm gonna need her less now...

Mood: Seems like I've got plenty of ladies...
listening to: Hold On - Jamie Walters.

2003-07-16T23:44:00.000-05:00

Exactly, before you post a comment, my defense by Morrisey

I am the son and the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
How dare you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

I am the son and the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
How dare you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

There's a club if you'd like to go you
Could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go, and you stand on your own and
You leave on your own and you go home,
And you cry and you want to die.

When you say it's gonna happen "now",
When exactly do you mean? see I've already
Waited too long and all my hope is gone

You shut your mouth
How dare you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

Mood: Confused. But still in control. don't lose that of sight.
Listening to: How Soon Is Now - Morrisey.

2003-07-16T23:29:00.000-05:00

Everyone knew it was happening but me

I heard the warnings, a lot of times.

I just hugged her, and I felt something strange, exactly what I was missing all this time.

But I'm still on control, have faith in me.

Anyway, I've always said: I'd get bored with her.

In other matters, maricela called yesterday... I still love her so... I still feel so screwed without her. a year and 6 months and it still hurts...

Mood: I shouldn't feel this good.
Listening to: Blind Mellon.

2003-07-16T19:52:00.000-05:00

Where do I hide my heart?

She is around.

d is down in Perez Zeledon. Coming back on sunday I think.
And someone else seems closer, warmer, even though so correct and good, but also a bit transgresional.

And
how
I
wish
for
her
to
be
closer
.

But I'm strong enough, to resist a revolution, and I'll be so proud when I go home after all.

Anyway, it's so wrong to feel this way. I wish d wasn't this cold. Never thought I'd need someone to care, to hold me. I was ice, but I found absolute zero, colder than any coldness I could display. Then I wish for fire.
d is just too cold.
some of us have something to learn: I must learn to live with less love, but giving as much as I do. Or she has to show some love to me, even if I know she loves me, I need a piece of it sometimes. It's like having a fortune in the bank and living in rags. I need some cash to spend.
So I'm a beggar, and this girl comes to lend me what I lack of, what I crave for, and I decline.
I know I'll learn to live with d, and she'll give some concesions too.

But in the meantime I'll have to supress a lot of rightful internal revolutions.

I'll always win, and stay strong, but how about the price of the campaign, to loss of peace, of concience clearness, of dreams I had the right to try to fulfill since I'm in need.

I'm gonna start a project: univ's online journal, anonimously, since it could be troublesome. I'll post nothing but the truth, but there'll be other 4 users... may be funny, but it's in spanish. news soon.

Mood: ok.
Listening to : Categorizacion - Franco Quiros. (not a song... it's my software design class...).

2003-07-15T08:58:00.000-05:00

Passion and death and women and rock and roll

Five years ago I wanted:
1. A silver mercedes benz.
2. A BC Rich guitar.
3. Enlightment. (Turned out to be a bad wish. I guarantee: "Ignorance is bliss")
4. A nice relationship, sex and trust included.
5. A cool collection of music.
6. Playing my favorite songs with a guitar.

Now I'm here and I've got it all. But, is this it? Now I miss my perfect hair and my cool verses flowing. I miss my half naive - half fake naive attittude. I miss the lack of regrets, the boring lack of stress and a soul with no scars.

So, I want to change again, I not only want it, I demand it.

Up in san jose downtown tonight, been chatting with a 16 year old girl in a corner. Her name is erica, and we didn't talk about anything too important or rough. You know: How cool is the moon tonight, how cold is it in this rainforest of buildings. She said it was nice talking to me, and that I could go for her after school someday.
Maybe I will.
It has to be hard, to go to school during the day and spending the night in a corner smiling to every moron that passes in a car. I personally think I was scarying possible costumers, but she seemed to be ok with that. I don't want to get too involved into that, I don't want to end up with a runaway girl living in my garage. But that sounds like something alf would do to give a better life to anyone.

I'm sad, and I feel lonely, and the forbidden girl in school is so cool and michelle is so sweet. My heart has no brains. And I'm tired of fighting, now it's d's now or never, she's officially being tested. I'm gonna see her performance the next days. I'm tired of giving much more than what I'm getting. I wonder if there's anyone willing to take less from me, or giving as much as I'm used to give (in the best case).
May sound extreme, but I think she's gonna win the test, she knows when I'm analyzing her. Maybe I should do it more often, she gets really caring when I seem to be losing grip.
Yeah.
I wander thru subjects, my head is a mess.
I think I broke something in my left foot the other day I had an unexpected trip: falling downstairs. It hurts a lot and I almost can't put it inside my shoes.

I'm starting to split into many different people. the journalist, the programmer, the man, the hero, the suicidal kid. I switch between them faster every time. the other day I ever saw the poet, he was a zombie, he must be somewhere close tonight, I can feel it. Yep, it was kinda him.

can't sing along
I have no moon,
I look for you
and it's not you
I looked for.

no

can't stay too long
there comes the sun
there's something new
and it's not me.
and I'm just old.

------
And I'm scared, alone, small.
And I crave.
for this, for you.
wherever you could reach,
with your hands on me.
whatever you find in me
can crave, frag, cry, explode.
And it does, when I wish for you.

-----
Give me a minute to weep
then I'll have you,
give me a second to live
then I'm ready
to die inside,
to rip your eyes
and push you up.

----
We've been made to run
over and over,
the same old ground,
the same old stones,
the same old nothing,
won't you kill me?

Mood: my foot hurts, erica is still out there working, univ's girl is doing something like that for free, michelle is sleeping and d must be emptying a tequila bottle she hides under her bed. and tonight, this lonely boy wishes someone else to be on his bed. or at least I wish I had a jack daniels under my pillow, that'd be something. I rarely need this (I don't mean the bottle).
Listening to: Second Chances - Michelle Branch // Mi primer dia sin ti - Enanitos Verdes // Personal Jesus - Depeche Mode

Bottom line: Am I going crazy? Somebody tell me please. I feel so alien.

2003-07-11T13:04:00.000-05:00

Damn sweet blog

I think I talk so much about girls, and tacos, and my car, that this blog is really full of sweetness. So, ants should be eating your computer now...

Mood: Drunk.
Listening to: Loving You - Elvis Presley (that should attract even more ants).

2003-07-10T07:54:00.000-05:00

...

2003-07-09T13:03:00.000-05:00

The wet clay path to nowhere
Since the trip to Turrialba volcano, I thougt I was invincible, and that there was no road able to stop me.

I was wrong.

I was driving yesterday, in my usual weekly joyride with d, it was way foggy. After a famous and expensive restaurant called Le Monastere, outside Escazu, I found myself going downhill, unable to stop, due to the wet soil under my wheels. And that has happened before a lot of times, but I just keep on going until I reach pavement or plain road again. But there wasn't anything there. So I somehow stopped and shifted to reverse, and it was hard get back up, so I went back down to try again, and right when I was making it, the car started sliding and I ended with both left wheels in a 50 cm. hole.

I lifted the car a bit and put rocks end logs under the wheels, til d was walking around. I lost her from sight a while. Then I figured out I wasn't gonna get it out myself, so started looking for her to tell her that I was gonna look for help. Then I saw her, standing in the top of the hill next to a huge Mercedes truck.

That's my lady!

The driver took a look and said: "No way man, I'm not getting there, I'm gonna get stuck myself too. But I can take you to town so you can look for a back-hoe, a tow or someone crazy enough with a 4x4."
So I left my car and my woman in the middle of nowhere to look for any kind of help. I found a guy with a 4x4 who said he'd do it, but after going to do some business, so I should wait an hour. In the next block I found a used car agency, filled with old land cruisers, I heard I could look for the owner, known as "Carneseca" (Dry meat). But he was crazy and I should be careful with him, but he liked to get in the mudd to tow cars, it was like a sport for him. But he wasn't there at the moment.

I went back to d, it was raining a bit and she was cold and angry that the help she brought wasn't as useful as she hoped, I left for three hours and we were both worried for each other.

So, we went to the restaurant to ask for a pay phone or something, called the guy that told me to wait, and he said he was busy, but he was gonna send a friend.

30 minutes after, the guy came and took my car out, it was hard, but it all went fine.

The ride back home was ok, and now I know better my and my car's limits. And d wasn't as mad at me as we would expect. So, nothing broke, not in the car, nor with d, and alf saves his ass again!

But I actually didn't spend the day with her, and that's not cool.

Mood: There's still good people in the world.
Listening to: Don't let it go - HIM.

2003-07-06T22:28:00.000-05:00

What do I do?

Caught myself again thinking about someone I shouldn't. It's d's fault, I feel neglected sometimes. If my woman wasn't an ice statue I wouldn't wish for someone else's warmth. But I won't stop loving my frozen lady.

2003-07-06T10:36:00.000-05:00

I feel like blogging today

So, she wasn't a capricorn, I knew it, her birthdate is in her blog, but anyway, seemed too capricorn to me, maybe my mystic rune-reader foresighter side is numb after so much time being a rational down to earth programmer...

d's virgo too. and virgos are a dead trap for capricorns, just like in the greek mythology (Read about Pan and his unlucky adventures with virgin goddesses). That's pretty much how it goes.

virgo's are strange... joyful but tragic, smart but ethereal, very conected with their inner feelings. A deadful complement for capricorn's pessimism.

I think not only people has a zodiac sign, also situations, if something happens under a water sign is different than something on an air one. I met d during virgo, we started a relationship under virgo too, an so the relationship is that way, a bit innocent, but sad, rational, but complicated by things we can't see.

By the way, september the 1st is gonna be a special day, 2 years since she's my girlfriend and 4 since I knew her. If thing go perfect, september the 1st of 2004 we're gonna have a wedding, or at least we'll get to live together, I don't care if there's an old fashioned wedding, anyway I don't have anyone to invite to it.

Mood: ok.
Listening to: Heartache Every Moment - Him. d bought me the album, don't know how she found it, but it's very appropiate I think.

2003-07-03T10:33:00.000-05:00

But we know this is more appropiate

You are the Anarchy Symbol!

What Punk Symbol are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

"I am an antichrist, and I am an anachist, don't know what I want but I know how to get it..."

2003-07-02T18:23:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not, I think this is right

You are Peace.

You are at peace with your self and the world
around you. You have balance in your life and
exude tranquility from every pore of your body.
People are constantly asking you "what is
your secret?"

What Emotion Are You?
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2003-07-02T17:39:00.000-05:00

A blogger's responsabilities

Once, maybe twice, I tried to keep a dairy, with everything I do and stuff. I wanted to do it (don't laugh) because I thought that it would help a biographer went I get famous or the dairy itself would make a best seller. But I was too lazy to do stuff by myself. I need fast effects. Something that won't make fast recognition is no good business for me.

Then blogs came along. Writting something, watching the counter roll, getting emails. So, I got responsability with readers, and that makes have to stay and write, I also see the effect of everything I say.

I know this blog, the coolest blog, since it's way honest, and so personal, like watching her mind, I really enjoy reading that blog. In other times I'd say: "She's so Capricorn", since she's so honest and mature. She's got a problem: her teachers and other people started reading it, and she's not cool with that. And that makes me think: who's my blog made for, never thought about it. I think anyone can see it, if you like it, cool, if you don't I don't care anyway, so, I'm ok, if someone feels insulted, well I'm sorry, but that's what I feel at the moment. It shouldn't have consequences, anyway, your opinion is yours and it's your deal if you say it in your blog, I know it's public and all, but if you don't like, you shouldn't care either. That's what I think, there's no sin in telling what you think anyway, saying or not.

I've been a bastard sometimes, and I'm sorry for saying that this or that girl is a bitch, or this or that pilot couldn't even drive a RC car. I've even said things about Costa Rica that a costa rican should say, and if a foraigner says it, it's considered some kind of terrorist.

And I don't give a fuck!!!!!

I just wish my favorite blog stays as it always been, if you wanna see it, it's in the menu on the left.

Mood: Bored.
Listening to: Count to Six and Die - Marilyn Manson.

2003-06-30T18:56:00.000-05:00

They're getting better

Now McLaren aren't even ending, I think they need to change at least one of the drivers.

Mood: Nice. But it could be better if I'm hired to drive a benz in f1, I'm good driving my own on the streets.
Listening to: La Chispa Adecuada - Heroes del Silencio.

2003-06-30T16:21:00.000-05:00

Straight to the heart is thru the stomach

She bought me a double decker, and fries, I kinda love her for today. I'm talking about michelle.

No doubt I'm easy, if you use the right methods. Glady, this spell lasts as long as my cubicle smells like taco. Maybe in some other time, maybe if I was alone, I'd really have a crush on her. But I fear I'd get bored soon, she's such a good girl, that never works with me. I wish it did work.

Mood: Taco!!!!!!!!!!!
Listening to: Here is gone - Goo Goo Dolls.

2003-06-29T15:38:00.000-05:00

Poisoning Casanova with selfconfidence

Saw it in a list of questions:
15. The most romantic moment in your life?
...
...
I'm not a romantic kind of guy, I'm cold, except with two or maybe three persons in my whole life. But there are various scenes that come to my mind when I think about "the most romantic moment".
Some options:
1. Natalie and I watching tv back in 1998.
2. Grettel and I hiding in a room from pamela.
3. Grettel's sister Hellen and I in Diego's house while Diego was out in his girlfriend's house. (incidentally, grettel and hellen are part of natalie's family).
3. Adriana and I watching falling stars in Tivives.
4. Maricela and I watching falling stars in Tivives, she took my hand, and life was perfect for the last seconds of 1999.
5. Watching Maricela playing in the beach in Tivives.
6. Sitting in the forest with Gloria in San Ramón.
7. Putting a ring made of leaves in d's finger in La Colina.
8. Watching my car for the first time.

I personally have an inclination for 1, 4, and 7. Yep. If you ask for ONE, I'd choose 7 then. But 4... 4 should be made into a movie, it would be that scene that make the ticket's money worth, the scene that would sell pop corn, to more or less steal Audrey Hepburn's lines... In the other hand, 2 and 3 where something different than romantic, now that I think about it. And 8 is pretty romantic no matter what you say.

Talking about her, and about rankings, I have a complex taste in women, the prettiest famous women for me are:

10. Claudia Schiffer (She is in everyone's list).
9. Heidi Klum.
8. Laura Prepon (I like red hair).
7. Estella Warren (Highest blonde in the list).
6. Danii Minogue.
5. Alyson Hannigan (So cool).
4. Claire Forlani (Please, she's all I could ask for).
3. Audrey Hepburn (classy, sweet).
2. Jennifer Love Hewitt.
1. Milla Jovovich. My conception of beauty is based in how similar to her a girl looks (If d was tall and had red hair, she'd be just like her).

Dankische, mein volk!

Mood: Why did I tell you all this? Maybe I have not much to say.
Listening: Desolation Row - Bob Dylan . Another song for maricela.

2003-06-27T09:53:00.000-05:00

F1

Obviously I support the Mercedes team. but lately, that's a bit frustrating lately. Coulthard is just not driving as he used to, and Raikonnen demostrates that ferrari engines are more powerful. But lately I'm discovering something: the fight for the last place is funnier than the fight for the first one. Minardi team rules, they're beating those creepy toyotas (what do they do there anyway?).

They really have to fight hard to run with dignity but without screwing up their weak engines. And they're getting better every week.

lalalala

Mood: Cool.
Listening to: Join Me In Death - Him

2003-06-22T08:23:00.000-05:00

I'm such an arrogant foreigner!

I don't know costa rica's national anthem, and I don't watch national soccer team beating up central and north american teams nor getting beaten by every team from south america, europe, asia and africa... If we had an army, there's no way I'd get enlisted. I don't think nicaraguans are inferior, like any good "tico". I don't yell from my car things to the girls in the boardwalk. And costa rican rock music... which music? Come on, get real! I'm so not costa rican. I hate beans and pejibayes and yuca and eating arracache for holy week. I hate national tv with all my heart. And I think that culturally we're just a bunch of fools trying to look like we're one of the usa... shame on you costa rica. How can this people be proud of their silly ways, and dare to think they're just one step away too be a second world country. And "we" feel insulted when someone in the tv talks about sexual tourism and costa rica in the same paragraph, as if we were doing something: the other night this man came to me a offered me her 12 yrs old twin daughters "for rent", if you know what I mean. How can I be proud? I know every country has ugly stuff, and it's ok, but why we think we're any better. I'd rather like to have an army and some good ol' fashioned war with a neighbor than children prostitution on the streets. I'd rather like to be the poorest country in the world than signing free trading treaties with the "big fishes" so the rich people get richer and the poor poorer.

I know people who hates me because of this, and they say that if I don't like it I gotta get the hell outta here, the same old american attittude. And I think they're right, I'd be fine living in hamburg maybe, in a real country full of bmws. Or in India, a poor country in money, but maybe the richest in culture. New Zealand and Russia and Cyprus are other appealing choices. Even Panama, at least they talk less about their greatness and they're far richer, and almost as much natural diversity than us. They have cool roads, the coolest airport I've been in and one of the modern times wonders: el canal. Yeap, Panama rules. I'm glad d wants to leave too, even if she's more of a patriot than me. She lacks of rebel blood. Maybe her biggest lack: she obeys like a cow. Her parents are proud.

A real visionary, a real rebel, should think about changing things rather than leaving. But come on, the only rebel that has succeeded in 500 years of mischief in latin america is fidel castro. bolivar was a dreamer surrounded by weasels, guevara was a crazy guy who used to run in the direction he heard shots. martí was a good poet and a bad soldier so he got killed. other almost successful rebels got their enemies receiving weapons from usa. because for an american to hear "latin rebel" is pretty much as hearing "communist" and "nazy" and "terrorist" and "russian missiles pointing to usa".

I made a statement here. and I need a ride to europe. One good thing: In some countries I'd be a criminal for saying this. Here I'm just an asshole.

And the little girls, they didn't know what happened, but their daddy ended up in the floor crying. I had a long time since the last time I beat up someone. A good left punch made a good black right eye, and my almost patented "kick-you-know-where" made a nice ending... One of these nights I'll take a walk in the cittay to see if the man is still "working" there. I bet he is. Piece of advice: Never fight with me, I'm the most non-honorable fighter I've met. That's why I never lose.

Thank you very much.

Mood: Cool. Except that Velvet Revolver chose Mr. Weiland and not Mr. Bach. They could have been the coolest band of the decade, now I'll have to hear to see if they're worthy.
Listening to: Highway to hell - AC/DC.

2003-06-19T12:15:00.000-05:00

Bad Moon Rising

Met a girl.

Thought she is nice, after little chat.

Saw her watching photos of dead people in the internet. Told her I think she's cool.

Then I knew she used to be d's worst enemy in high school. That's funny.

Little world.

d saw her and she acted like a wild cat. I still feel her nails in my back.

She told me to NEVER talk to her.

And that I'm gonna be in trouble if she ever feels like I get women's parfume smell after univ.

One of the few cool girls I've met in this univ...

haha.

I like when women get that attittude. Only women and cats are like that.

So, I'm not gonna be hazel's big friend, gonna keep my kittie happy.

Mood: fine.
Listening to: Run To The Hills - Iron Maiden.

2003-06-16T20:35:00.000-05:00

Stealing ideas

Once upon a time I assited to a conference with costa rican's KFC frenchise manager. He was a cool guy, looking more like a surfer than a manager.

He said: "Take someone's good idea and make it yours. You don't have to invent, just take what you want, change it here and there so you don't get in intellectual rights problems, and you have your own good idea.

I've been checking blogs, and stealing ideas. I like the song theme engine I heard in zapperoko's blog. I like the way anjali reproduces conversations with people, but I can't remember the things I talk with people.

So here it is:

Song engine entries with the underlined words:

d

Wish You Were Here - Pink floyd.
Flaca - Andrés Calamaro.
Satellite - Natalie Imbruglia.
Her Ghost In The Fog - Cradle Of Filth.
Your Body Is A Wonderland - John Mayer.

gloria

Gloria - The Doors.

maricela

Perfect - Smashing Pumpkins.
Goodbye-Natalie Imbruglia.
Dying - Hole.

me

El Extraño De Pelo Largo - Enanitos Verdes.
Bullet With Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins.
Kickstart My Heart - Motley Crue.
It's Only Rock And Roll - Rolling Stones.
Simpathy For The Devil - Rolling Stones.
I Don't Want To Fall In Love - HIM's version.

It's funny, when you are with someone in something serious, nice girls start showing up... wish I wasn't so loyal. But I'm proud of me anyway. Details later.

Mood: Cool.
Listening to: Under the blade - Twisted Sister.

2003-06-15T16:42:00.000-05:00

This is d

She was divinity's creature
That kissed in cold mirrors
A Queen of Snow
Far beyond compare
Lips attuned to symmetry
Sought Her everywhere
Dark liqoured eyes
An Arabian nightmare...

"Her Ghost In The Fog" - Cradle of Filth

She's so tragic, even in a smile, even in a kiss, her eyes full of sorrow. The one I love the most, so full of wounds, so cold since she's been slow burnt by this world. So painful to love her, anyone can see, but only I really know what goes on behind those purple frozen lips. Only I know what hides her aura under her cold skin, and I don't know how she lives, how she smile, and she forgets the things I never thought could happen in this world.

And it's killing me.

I can't walk to the past, I can't cleanse her soul. I can't kill the ones I want to see dead, and it wouldn't fix a thing, since they're the ones she loves, since the past is done.

I can't do nothing but offer her a different life, taking her away, giving her a love that won't hurt, giving her no more victimal shame.

And share our pain and joy as one.

A jewel more radiant than the moon
Lowered Her mask to me
The sublimest creature of God, full of fire
Would marvel at making their Queen
Infusing the air with Her fragrant desire
And my heart reeled with grave poetry....

"A Gothic Romance" - Cradle of Filth

It's funny how I never developed something like this for someone who is happy and normal, I find the most shattered and hopeless spirit, and I give her my llife. That's my nature, always liked things hard, always liked darkness, and the gotresque, and the tragedy. Finally got love and torment, finally pain and joy, I don't know why I like it this way, maybe because pain alone makes no sense, and love alone just bores me, but together, there's a comfortable sharing of world's disgrace, survival, complicity. I know what you'll say, and I answer: Why should it make sense?

Mood: Fine. Behind some limits.

Listening to: No Time To Cry - Cradle Of Filth. I'm back into my dark, goth metal style. I was a good guitarist when I had a band like this... Menegroth. We were so cool.

2003-06-09T14:41:00.000-05:00

Getting used or getting tired?

Yesterday I bought me a huge piece of pork, already cooked, in the supermarket, some german beers, snacks, watching tv, til d was out in a chess contest, watching some guys she knows play the finals. She's too outgoing, and I'm not. I think we're gonna stay like that when we get to live together, me sitting there, waiting, and she out there with other people.

I feel lonely, I guess. I gotta go out with gloria or other people, even if d gets jealous, she doesn't mind when it comes to going to the movies or to the bar with the guys she knows. That's it, next time she calls I'll be out eating french fries with gloria, waiting for maricela at school door, or eating with michelle somewhere and taking any bus to see where it goes. In fact, michelle and I have so much in common, it's funny most of the times how we just come and say: "Yeap, I know what you're thinking" and so.

Mood: Fine. I'm always fine.
Listening to: A Black Rose - Therion.

2003-06-06T14:33:00.000-05:00

Passion and Glory

You know, yesterday I saw her. As she approached I remembered why she made me so crazy. She is still taller than me, just like in 1997's winter when I met her. She was smiling, with that killer smile she used to wear all the time. A beauty, nothing less.

So, we sat at the park, she asked me not to talk about anything about our lives in the lapse we didn't see each other. I was ok with that, not having to talk about my family and how I came apart from them. She did so too, now she lives alone with her two cats.

Then we got the car and went to look for some french fries. She was really sweet with me, maybe she flirted a bit, had some envy that now someone else owns me, but it was all ok.

So, I was there, with the girl I loved the most during five years, sitting next to me, maybe waiting for my move. And I did nothing. Damn, I'm so strong!

She asked me if I still write, and I told her that since she's gone I haven't wrote anything worth mentioning. So she asked me: "So, you want me to be a bitch so you can write again? that could be cool." And I was like: "No thanks, I guess not ".

It was nice seeing her, d is really gonna be mad, when I saw maricela, she was ok, she's got a boyfriend, d demonstrated she was worth more than her, at least about how much I can trust in them. But gloria is diferent, she was the one I loved for years, the one I was thinking about while kissing a bunch of fools. gloria was no choice, she was everything. And d feels that she's the best in a minor league, and gloria is far beyond. Far from truth. d is the ultimate woman, and I truly hope that she's the last woman I'll be with, if we lived for ever or if I die next week, if she leaves me now, or if were bound to last. I can't afford another heartbreak, I don't want to gamble anymore.

Mood: Nice.
Listening: Doll Parts - Hole.

2003-06-04T17:50:00.000-05:00

Godless?

No voy a creer en un dios que no pueda decir "lo siento",
¿de qué me sirve un ángel si cualquiera destruye a quien amo?
¿de qué sirve una promesa de madre, o resultar ileso de cuerpo,
si hay lágrimas en las mejillas frías de mi niña?

I wrote this last august, when d told me one of the dark chapters of her life. It all turned out to be a lie, everything was actually worse than she said, I found that out a couple weeks ago. Is God having fun at our expense? He enjoys watching us weep for scars made before we could do something about it? God (or the image I had) is a disgusting idea for me now. And yes, I love her more than I love God, will I go to Hell for loving the victim rather than the indeferent witness who had so much power that His inaction is the crime itself? I know a human can't understand a god's will, but such a wise god will know that I'm acting based in the facts as I understand them, and forgive me, if He is the forgiving kind of god.

Hey God

Hey God, I'm just a little man got a wife and family
But I almost lost the house
Yeah, I bought into the dream
We're barely holdin' on, when I'm in way to deep
We're two paychecks away from living out on the streets

She's a workin' single mom, like a Saint she doesn't complain
She never says a word, but she thinks that she's to blame
Her son just got convicted, he blew some punk away
She did her best to raise him, but the world got in the way

Hey God - Tell me what the hell is going on
Seems like all the good shits gone
It keeps on getting harder hanging on
Hey God, there's nights you know I want to scream
These days you've even harder to believe
I know how busy you must be, but Hey God...
Do you ever think about me

Born into the ghetto in 1991, just a happy child
Playing beneath the summer sun
A vacant lot's his playground, by 12 he's got a gun
The odds are bet against him, junior don't make 21

Hey God - Tell me what the hell is going on
Seems like all the good shits gone
It keeps on getting harder hangin' on
Hey God, there's nights you know I want to scream
These days you've even harder to believe
I know how busy you must be, but Hey God...

I'd get down on my knees
I'm going to try this thing you way
Seen a dying man too proud to beg spit on his own grave
Was he too gone to save?
Did you even know his name?
Are you the one to blame, I got something to say

Hey God - Tell me what the hell is going on
Seems like all the good shits gone
It keeps on getting harder hangin' on
Hey God, there's nights you know I want to scream
These days you've even harder to believe
I know how busy you must be, but Hey God...
Do you ever think about me

******
You know something? My mother is very sick in bed now, she says that she's dying. Hey, God.

Mood: Calmed. I managed to stay calmed these weeks even with all that stuff going on.
Listening to: Hey! you think I hear music 24 hours a day?

2003-06-04T14:13:00.000-05:00

Miss Pride is on her knees

Gloria keeps calling.

She says she wants to see me.

And I was thinking to myself,
'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'

Tomorrow in Curridabat's park, at 5:30 pm, I'm going to see her, I can't believe it, she'd make the bravest man worry, she's got something that make hearts ache, like choking by blood.

She claims to be the worst woman I ever met, and I know that's not right, she didn't meet mariela, nor saw my faithless state after maricela, she never heard about her neighbor Maria's other boyfriends (maria is the first girl I kissed). But that doesn't make gloria better than she deserves, she was hell behind a child's smile. Wonder what she is now.

Mood: I want pizza.
Listening to: Piece of me - Skid Row (if I could choose to have the voice of anyone I wanted, it'd be Sebastian Bach's)

2003-06-02T11:29:00.000-05:00

Devious
I just signed up in Deviantart (find link in the menu), I'm gonna submit some of things I wrote, some wallpapers I made, and whatever else I come up with than can be somehow called "art".
Yep.

Mood: I hope it rains today.
Listening to: Seventh Nation Army-The White Stripes.

2003-05-26T11:35:00.000-05:00

This guys are so cool, so bad they don't appear more in the movie

You are The Twins, from "The Matrix."
Bad, but with a sexy streak- surprisingly
refreshing. You know what you want, when you
want it.

What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-05-21T10:21:00.000-05:00

Halah

Mazzy Star

Well I think I see another side
maybe just another light that shines
And I look over now through the door
And I still belong to no one else
Maybe I hold you to blame for all the reasons
that you left.
And close my eyes til I see your surprise
And you're leaving before my time.
Baby won't you change your mind?

Surely don't stay long
I'm missing you now.
It's like I told you
I'm over you somehow
Before I close the door
I need to hear you say goodbye.
Baby won't you change your mind?

I guess that hasn't changed someone
maybe nobody else could understand
I guess that you believe you are a woman
And that I am someone else's man
But just before I see that you leave
I want you to hold on to things that you said
Baby I wish I were dead.

Surely don't stay long
I'm missing you now.
It's like I told you
I'm over you somehow
Before I close the door
I need to hear you say goodbye
Baby won't you change your mind?

2003-05-16T09:50:00.000-05:00

Redeemed!

Did you ever stood up and faced your fears? Did you ever killed one of those ghost everyone runs from? Did you ever felt so clean, so brave, so big? Have you?

The other night I heard "Perfect" from the pumpkins for the first time since what I simply call "the maricela incident", to give a decent name to "be pretty screwed up"... I felt that song was a fake, those lyrics... I believed them, I let those words touch my mind, perfection, eternity, hapiness, promises. And all I got was insult and injury, or so I felt. I talk to her sometimes, she reads this blog every now and then, somehow we didn't lose it all. One year and two months since she just left me alone, but we can still be nice to each other, that's not me, but it's ok.

The other day I saw her, because we both wanted to, and I'm so glad I saw her, I feel so released, like I finally don't have to lift a big weight anymore. I had such a good time, she still has something that makes me extremely happy. I really wish to see her some other day. I had a good time. I'm so glad.

Women are crazy

The other day, in class, the first class of the quarter, the teacher said we could work in pairs in some exercise she gave us, and two girls wanted to work with me and started arguing, at the end, my wise teacher said we could do it the three together... But what is that? Girls fighting to sit next to me? Cool! One of them was the girl that was like chasing me during the first quarter of this year, and the other one, I never talked to her before, I've seen her around, but we don't "know" each other. That is giving me a bad fame in univ. But it's not my fault if girls are so easy that I get them without the intention to get them, or maybe they just have a weird taste in men. Or maybe every guy in univ is so ugly that I'm the best choice around.

If you don't buy it,I'm gonna make a demonstration that I've been a good boy:

How many guys of my age, in this crazy times, remembers how many girls have kissed, or the name of every one of them. Let's see if I can:
1.maría *
2.gloria +
3.susan
4.cristina
5.mariela *
6.laura
7.raquel
8.mónica
9.stephanie
10.marianela
11.d *+
12.pamela
13.karolina
14.estefanía
15.marcela
16.sofía
17.alina
18.adriana
19.maricela +

this is ordered by date of first kiss; obviously, some came and went and came again after other girls, or as I used to call it once "Recycling campaign", when I was with one girl, then it was over, I moved to another, and then she came back. If you look carefully, you'll see d was the 11th, but she's with me now, it was because we lost contact for around a year, and then she came back, and then we broke up, and then we tried again. Seems like I stuck in 19, I've been there a while. See? I'm a good boy. From them, only those with "*" were official girlfriends and only those with "+" were ones that I really like loved.

Mood: Fine.
Listening to: Angel - Jimi Hendrix

2003-05-12T09:27:00.000-05:00

I'm a dead poet

I just checked my bookmarks in the browser of my pc, and found an old page I haven't visited in ages: poetry.com, there's a browser for names of poets (amateur poets), that post their stuff there and participate in a contest. I wrote a couple poems there, one got to semifinals, like two or three years ago. I personally don't think I'm a genius of a poet, but when I was 15 I used to sell poems to friends and neighbors so they could give them to their girlfriends. I made enough money to afford my losing streaks in the local pool bar. Hell, I was such a bohemian kid.

Back to the subject, in that page you still can find my old poems, but I know most of you are more lazy than I (and that's a lot), so I'll better write them here:

Loneliness

All the roads lead to the desert,
you go thru rain cities,
you stare at the night skins of crowd;
but someday you'll give up
to the bluesy air of your desert.

And the moon falls slower in the desert,
and the verses are ink of distance.
You watch the night aborting dawns
with the velvet knife of eternal abyss,
blinded by the nitid whisper of the desert.

Then you get used to the desert
you unlearn to suffer,
you're not artist nor shadow;
someday you'll be desert,
someday you'll be alive.

Watch the hallucinogen desert,
its stars rising forever,
its iron flowers in your breath,
watch the nudity of my desert
in the soft hands of sweet dusk.

Copyright ©2001 Alfredo Avalos

I personally don't really like it, but that's the one that got to semifinals. Now the other one, is not much better, but at least it's not so repetitive.

Poem to no one
I escaped from the light,
like the rageous dragonflies
that sway to the sea.

I escaped from all the eyes,
like that old fashioned lady
stealing wings to the sand.

I escaped from myself,
like that very soul
which body died of joy.

I escaped from those chains,
such as loving anybody,
or wishing to be loved.

I escaped from all substance,
and I escaped from what I brought;
now I give myself to you.

Copyright ©2002 Alfredo Avalos

I don't like the final part, but my endings were always weak. I think Laureano Albán once told me so (he's like the second or third best poet of Costa Rica, in high schools they make you read his work, he's really cool; we used to get together and exchange our stuff and comment it, I was so lucky to have such a master). But then came women and killed my romanticism, now I have the rotten corpse of a poet inside.

Now, an unpublished one, I wrote it to Gloria back in the year 2000:

Es como ver a mi ángel en llamas,
esconderlo en la maraña
donde el gas está perdido
en la estela de un roce.

Es callar previo a la cercanía
del residuo indecoroso
de un beso maquinado
para ser visto naufragar.

Somos mentes sin muletas
de Dalí somos casi prófugos:
desexistiendo para no morir,
devorando nuestra propia hambre.

Copyright ©2000 Alfredo Avalos

Don't worry if you don't know spanish, those who know won't understand what I'm talking about up there. My poems to Gloria were only understandable to her. We developed a particular way of saying things, our own meanings, analogies of actual things, said in ways that we could talk loud to anyone, but only we could understand. In this case, I really like the ending: "Unexisting so we don't die,/devouring our own hunger.", Gloria keeps thousands of poems I wrote to her, she says it's her treasure, and since I gave them to her, she can do what she wants with them, she copyrighted them with my name, and she says that she's gonna publish them and give me the money. I don't think she'd sell a copy, but if she does, I want her to keep the earnings, since the poems are just portraits of her, she made the poems, she was the poem, I just wrote what she showed me. But in the big picture, I don't want them published, I think. There's enough to make like three books. If I was better, I'd consider it. Maybe.

Mood: Fine.
Listening to: Fire In The Hole - Skid Row.

2003-05-08T08:23:00.000-05:00

Wow, who's she???

Emma Frost:
Powers: Diamond hard skin, telepathy.

What X-Men character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-05-06T09:52:00.000-05:00

Keep your eyes on the road, your hands upon the wheel

Last week we went to Orosi, a little town in a little valley, like one hour away from the city. It's funny how d and I never actually choose a place to go, I just drive around, if I see a green light I go that way, then, when we get out the city, if we see one of those signals with the distance to other places, is when we know where we're going. Orosi was cool, I turned wrong on the road, and we ended in the mountain, we sat on some huge rocks on a fast river, where no one could see us and there was no trace of civilization at all, it was really cool there.

Then we went on the right road to Orosi, we went to this colonial church built in 1763, maybe the oldest building I've been into. d was fascinated with the old books for the priests written in latin. I saw a little book, it was like a manual for exorcism. What we could call "Exorcism for dummies". It was really cool.

I wonder where are we going today. We've been in almost all the cool places you can get in one day. And her mom surely isn't going to let her sleep in a hotel one night so we can get to a beach in Guanacaste or something like that.

In other affairs, I'm still working on the colors for this creepy blog, be patient.

Mood: Ok.
Listening to: Heads I Win, Tails You Lose - Ratt.

2003-05-05T11:52:00.000-05:00

What if I do the opposite of what I've been doing? WHITE instead of black and blue tones!!!! Maybe, white, purple and green instead of black, gray and blue! What the concept!!!! Let's see...

2003-05-05T11:25:00.000-05:00

I'm still the same

The other day, coming home ater seeing d, I took a bus. Casually, the bus was full of high school girls, it was about the time high school's out. I was soaking wet, it was raining, I was sweaty because of the walk from d's home to the bus stop, my hair was a mess, and I was really tired. But anyway, as I was walked into the bus, I noticed a lot of girls looking at me, a few of them with that look in their eyes that says something like "talk to me".

That doesn't happen very often now.

Maybe because I'm in the car most of the time.

There was a time, when I had a cool hair, when girls were like mad about me. I was like a star. I was the popular guy in school, an old fashioned rebel. Few words, loads of attittude, and some fake innocent style when talking to girls. Time passed, hair started to twist, troubles appeared on my shoulders, something changed for bad, time made me bitter, mariela made me bitter. Took my childish, simple and attractive lifestyle away.

After that, some girls still like me, specially those who are good listeners, and patient.

That bus ride was a reminiscence of the old times.

Since that, I've been looking around a bit more. Maybe it wasn't only those school girls. I've seen other girls looking at me, in bus stop, in univ, even that d's aunt says I'm handsome. I personally don't think so, but I'm okay if they think that. I find my nose is huge, my lips are fat, my feet are inmense, and don't get me started about my hair. Incidentally, what girls seem to like more about me lately, are my lips. d says it's something about the way I move them every now and then.

Maybe I can get a haircut, buy retro clothing, and letting out my true attittude again; just to see what happens. the problem is that d likes my hair as it is now.

Mood: Great.
Listening to: Sweet Sixteen-Billy Idol.

2003-05-05T10:57:00.000-05:00

This color set sucks!

I was making a template, but at the end I didn't like it, so I decided just to change colors, but I don't like it now either. I'll keep playing with colors a while, if nothing works, I'll get bat to the old color set. After all, I came up with a cool script to randomize colors. Reload the page... see? background changed, unless you had the luck to fall in the same color. If so, reload again... changed? If nothing happens, keep reloading until something happens.

2003-05-01T12:47:00.000-05:00

I know it looks awful!!! I'm working on this, at the end you'll see how cool it'll look

2003-04-28T23:53:00.000-05:00

Top ten

If I had to choose right now my favorite 10 albums, this would be the list:

10. Use Your Illusion II - Guns and Roses (except for the infamous alternative lyrics for "Don't Cry" and the prelude to today's GnR "My World").
9. Space Odity - David Bowie.
8. Sueño Stereo - Soda Stereo ("Ella usó mi cabeza como un revolver") tied with Dynamo - Soda Stereo ("Primavera Cero").
7. Cruelty and the Beast- Cradle of Filth (from my dark times).
6. Razorblade Romance - HIM (I can't find this album in Costa Rica, this is a finnish band that plays something like metal ballads, the singer is really cool).
5. Nine Lives - Aerosmith (Great album, except for the ballads).
4. Shout at the Devil - Mötley Crüe (cover of "Helter Skelter", and the masterpiece "Shout at the Devil", this band is the cornerstone glam rock band).
3. Poison's Greatest Hits 1986-1996 - Poison (The summit of 80's glam rock).
2. 40 Seasons - Skid Row ( Highlight on: "Youth gone wild", "Piece of me", "I Remember You", "Beat Yourself Blind").
1. Pandora's box - Aerosmith (includes all their best songs from 1969 to 1982, some hits, and their amazing cover from the beatles' "Helter Skelter").

Mood: Great (saw d today, even though I don't usually see her on mondays).
Listening to: Poison Girl - HIM.

2003-04-27T10:37:00.000-05:00

Why does Benedetti always writes about you?

Tengo miedo de verte
necesidad de verte
esperanza de verte
desazones de verte
tengo ganas de hallarte
preocupación de hallarte
certidumbre de hallarte
pobres dudas de hallarte
tengo urgencia de oírte
alegría de oírte
buena suerte de oírte
y temores de oírte
o sea
resumiendo
estoy jodido
y radiante
quizá más lo primero
que lo segundo
y también
viceversa

The fact is: I read Benedetti and he describes you, that's why I gave you a book from him for your 16th birthday, since I'm less a poet everyday. The last words of poet in me were shouts of pain and agony, saying good-bye. If you wouldn't left me, I could still make an effort to write. d is the worst muse, even though she's the best woman.

2003-04-27T09:58:00.000-05:00

I've got a promise pending

Now I'm on a short vacation it's time to start the template change, if you come around and find a mess, it's that I'm messing up with the code, I'm gonna write all the code, maybe I'll grab an idea from here and there, but it'll be a very personal template. I've got a couple ideas of the whole set already.

If a bramble breaks

I had this classmate in high school who was my opposite, but we were talking all of the time, he was always at gym, I was always at the library, he liked one night stands, I wanted true love, etc. It was somehow interesting to hear his logic abour things, specially in women related stuff. He once said: "A wise monkey's got a grip on two brambles, because if one breaks, he won't fall from the tree". I personally thought it was something stupid, but what if the bramble is not other woman? I mean, if you have your girl, and she's all you have and you lose her, man, you're wasted. If you have friends, funny activities like driving your car to the sunset, etc. then you may have a chance to feel less miserable if you lose her. I have no ties with my family (have you noticed I don't talk about my family here?), I have not close friends, except for exgirlfriends or things like that and michelle, who is too busy to be a full time friend. I think, if I lose d, yikes! , that's it.

How many people thought they were gonna be together forever, like we do, and then things changed? How many people lies about their feelings while his lover swallows the whole joke? How many people promises, swears, make unchangeable statements, and then they just don't do it? What if d and I aren't going to live happy together forever like we say we'll do? Everything can change, every new day. And that stresses me. She may still go to live to Australia to live with her family there, And I guess that may be much more exciting than me. What do I do? We have done things, made promises, that should make me sure we're staying together, but they don't. She changes her mind easily, I've seen things change in her head with no reason. She swears that she won't change her mind about me, but how sure should I be? Let's wait and see.

Cool template, dude!

One of my teachers' got a blog, he says that it's inspired by this blog. Cool. I gave a read to it, and man, it's really cool, very deep, makes me think about important stuff. This guy is an old fashionned teacher, one of those who seem to enjoy teaching, his classes are funny, you can see when a class has been prepared carefully and when it's being made on the run, and his are very well made. Really recommend you to visit him at The Dark Side. Amazing.

Good idea

This first comments in my blog, really nice, I wasn't expecting a fast answer, thank you for commenting, even if it's just like ":-(". And you, yes you! you know who you are, thanks for posting, it's really cool to know you're visiting my blog, I visit yours too, like everyday. This blogging thing is curious, it's like one of those reality shows, and suddenly you are there, knowing that a lot people will know what you're doing. This has the advantage that you can obviate things you are ashamed to tell, or simply are hard to explain, or you just don't wanna talk about.

Where is she now?

You know who was extremely cool? Adriana.

I met her now two years ago, in the same beach I met maricela, and other girls which names now I don't remember, and Estefanía, she was cool too, but she was no challenge.

Adriana and I had some sort of spirit link since we met, she knew my mood and I knew hers, even if we didn't talk in months, she called me when I came back home after I ended with d in december 2001, and she knew all that happened, it was freaky, but nice. I thaught her how to feel people's aura, my classification and the way to deal with people's aura.

Then we went to a movie, we kissed, and the link was broken. I haven't known anything from her in more than a year. She could have been the greatest thing ever happened to me, but we didn't handle things properly.

And, dammit! She was so hot!

Mood: All that you have just read.
Listening to: Anthem - Good Charlotte. *Get me a mohawk! I'm so punk now! Geez!*

2003-04-26T10:36:00.000-05:00

Check this out
Alright, if you're too lazy for signing the frigging guestmap, now you can simply post comments to my entries, make discussions, insult me, hail me, etc. Please please say something, I've got lots of visitors and I don't know who you are... I'll see if it works. Should be down here...

2003-04-24T12:17:00.000-05:00

Wandering

Costa Rica is such a little place to live, but it's cool, cos you can go to many different places in one day.

I went with d to Zarcero, a little town in a mountain, with a cool church and park with sculptures made of cipress trees. Then we went upper in the mountain. Lots of fog, cows walking on the road, etc.

It was a long drive, but it was nice.

Mood: Great, but hungry.
Listening to: Like a Stone - Audioslave - Was cool the first week, now I'm getting tired of it

2003-04-21T23:51:00.000-05:00

This is a popular blog!

I won the championship! One colombian, one equatorian, one chinese, and two costa ricans sitting in a bar, after a dozen of beers, we said: "Let's see who drinks a whole bottle faster"

I knew I'd win, and I did, chinese didn't started at all, colombian drank a half, and the equatorian left a little bit, only I drank it all, and I did it really fast.

So, I represented this creepy country, and the everyone was proud of me and sang this country anthem... I don't even know Costa Rica's anthem... But anyway, I won.

In other affairs, maybe d's dad's gonna pay her college after all.... I really hope so, I'm so affraid I can't afford the money she needs now...

In other other affairs, I'm having an unexpected visit growth in this webpage... Amazing. Keep coming, people, to this heart-window, to this gossip shrine about me and the ones I know, love, hate, etc. I just hope you like it and come back. I strongly recommend you to check this webpage once or twice a week, cos I rarely write daily.

Mood: Great.
Listening to: Gel-Collective Soul.

2003-04-16T10:08:00.000-05:00

Oh my God!

I don't wanna talk much, may ruin the surprise... But the other day something happened and now we're more likely to stay together for a lifetime (and yep, that involved a ring). Didn't think much about it, just did it, now I have to save for one made of metal and with diamonds all over. Congratulate me!

Yesterday I heard that her father won't pay her college anymore... That little bastard... He's an alcoholic, he has sons and daughters all over the country. And because things she did many years ago, he thinks her daughter's future is not worth his money. Rot in Hell Mr. Fernández! don't even know you, but I really really hate you!

I can work part time, as I was planning anyway, and pay her studies as long as she stays in the public university. I really can't afford her pharmaceuticals studies in the private univ she wanted to go next year. I really wanna end my college, so I can work, even if it's for 1000 dollars a month (that's what a programmer gets in this country). but that's enough for a start for d and I, rent a room, pay her univ , when she ends, we'll start thinking of a classier life in a classier country, but in the meantime, it'll be like those bon jovi old songs. Things are gonna work out themselves, I think. I still can make extra money if I get a real band, even if it's punk, now I need it. We may live in the car, too. I can't sell it, not yet, I haven't paid it to my parents yet. And you know, I don't wanna give away my silver bullet, if I ever get to sell it, it'll be a really desperate situation.

I'm not worried, future never intimidates me, always things seem rough, but when I get closer, I hand some miracle out of my sleeve, you'll see how fine things will go.

Mood: Cool.
Listening to: Rebel Rebel- David Bowie.

2003-04-11T11:50:00.000-05:00

One nice year

I've been with d one year without pause. Officially we started in September 1st 2001, but then it was the maricela incident, which still upsets me in many levels, and then we were back together in April 5th 2002.

I haven't seen Gloria in more than a year, and last year I saw her twice. Everytime we see each other we hug and smile and everything, seems like we've worked it all out since we stopped trying to be together. I should call her. But I don't really call people, I hate phones.

I'm considering to work split time and take half the courses during the rest of the year; in part because I think d needs us to have a little economic independence. It's so strange, we're grown ups, we have goals in life, we take care of ourselves, but we still need our parents to hand us some money once a week. I personally hate the situation. So I have two ways: finish school as fast as possible. And that may mean we'll be dependent til august 2004, or start working now, so parents will just pay univ, but food, clothing and, eventually, an appartment, will be paid by me. I think I'm taking the second option, which is good also because will demonstrate d I can be responsible.

I want a band that rehearses on saturdays or sundays in the morning, time d usually spends sleeping and I usually spend rehearsing alone.

Changes are coming, I can feel it.The wheel is already spinning

Talking bout wheels... the other day I lost control of the car, after a curve and before a narrow bridge, at 95 km/h. That was creepy. I made a strange twist, and the car went back to its place and continued, at the same speed. I learned a few things: a)tires aren't eternal, b)my tires aren't new, c)I can't afford new tires, d)Consecuently, I have to stop driving like I'm Mr. Raikonnen, and like a 190e 1985 is a McLaren. I'm glad I know that car's behavior as I know my body's.

Mood: Cool.
Listening to: Tosca-Puccini (Really cool, funny lyrics).

2003-04-09T13:11:00.000-05:00

I knew it

I am infinity

You may worship me,
but from afar
_

what number are you?

this quiz by orsa

2003-04-03T21:15:00.000-06:00

...

I am 54% Horny!
You're in the half-and-half area.
That may mean you're a little horny a lot of the time,
or really horny a little of the time.
It doesn't really matter,
because this test shouldn't tell you anything about
yourself that you don't already know.How Horny Are You?quiz by midgetfarm.com

2003-04-02T15:54:00.000-06:00

She

I could be hearing all day this song, reminds me of d. It's not my style, and d would probably hate it.

Listening to: You Body Is A Wonderland - John Mayer.
Mood: Amazed.

2003-03-31T18:12:00.000-06:00

Reminds me of the times I used to go to the evangelic church with Gloria

Premature Burial
Siouxsie And The Banshees

This catacomb compels me
Corroding and inert
It weights and tries to pull me
Must I resist or re-assert?

The unchanged and the unchangeable
Doing the zombierama
Singing Oh come and be like me,
We're all sisters and brothers

Ejected to this state of being
Don't bury me with this
I'm in a state of catalepsy
Can I really exist?

Clawing from the inside
Drowning in your chant
Thoughts come flooding through me
Despairing unity

The unchanged and the unchangeable
Doing the zombierama
Singing Oh come and be like me,
We're all sisters and brothers

Red and white carnations
Can't intoxicate my brain
This blissful suffocation
It is driving me to pain
Oh what a bloody shame

The unchanged and the unchangeable
Doing the zombierama
Singing Oh come and be like me,
We're all sisters and brothers

I'm not your sister
Or your brother
Don't bury me with this
Join hands-join hands
We're all sisters and brothers
Sisters and brothers
I can't relate to you
You're no relation of mine

2003-03-28T13:36:00.000-06:00

You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You
probably just don't give a damn,but it's
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.

What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-03-28T13:21:00.000-06:00

Last nite

I had a pic nic with d in a little cypress forest near my house. It was amazing; even though it was a non-food pic nic. Just we sitting on a sheet I usually keep in the car (sometimes I sleep in the back seat), a rum bottle and the darkness. Wish we do that more often. Last night was a night to remember. Can't believe how happy I can be.

Gloria wrote to me a strange letter. I don't know what she's got in mind. I used to love her, but she was foolish, now she knows she's missing much. She's good tearing out people's heart, and now she finds her heart shattering too.

In other affairs, I want to buy me a Jack Daniels bottle, but I bet d would drink it all in ten minutes.

Mood: I'm so damn happy.
Listening to: Ziggy Stardust-David Bowie. (I want to be ziggy, maybe I should try).

Made in the usa

I don't want to talk much about politics, so I'll say this fast: What does usa thinks? They're asking for another 9-11? You get out to steal someone else's only way of sustainance, kill a few thousand civilians and then the terrorist is the visionary who wants a world without americans at any expense? It's official: I HATE USA! I hate their lifestyle, their culture (or they lack of a culture).

I hope you have fun killing iraqi children in your bad named operation. You're the good ones? Jesus! Bring on the bad ones!

2003-03-24T14:12:00.000-06:00

You know Odin did hang from a tree named Yggdrasil during nine days and nine nights, and he got the runs? There was a time, when I was more of an spiritual being, when I was doing yoga, reading some runes, tripping into the other worlds; I miss those days, when I was one with the universe, when I used to bless the soil under my feet.

I'm another man, wearing scars done to me, weeping for scars done to the one I love, a world like this is not my world, a world the kills and rapes and hates will never be a place I'm happy to join in spirit as one universal entity.

Maybe I'm hanging from my Yggdrasil, as a tortured god that will bring a gift to change the world. Maybe that's why I got the hanged man in the tarot. I need to believe again in this universe. But now I'm suspended, hand-tied, quiet.

2003-03-24T14:01:00.000-06:00

I'm the hanged man

I Am

Which tarot card are you?

Suspended decision. Initiation, divination, prophecy. Turning point in psychic powers. Trust in inner voice.
Suspension, change, reversal, boredom, abandonment, sacrifice, readjustment, improvement, rebirth
He usually represents a time of feeling in limbo, being stuck or being prevented from moving forward. He's usually depicted hanging upside down with his hands tied - that's just what it feels like! We need to remain flexible and willing to let go of things, it's probably a time for sacrifice. Like the man in this card from the Murciano Tarot, don't sweat it, take some time out and be patient.
The Hanged Man - External Meaning: Spiritual awareness and the happiness and assuredness it brings. Sacrificing for a noble purpose. Reveral of one's current way of life. Inner peace. Developed intuition and prophecy. Esoteric Meaning: The spirit of the mighty waters. Reversing false images. Sacrifice. Energys: Water

2003-03-22T09:20:00.000-06:00

..::I'm a material boy::..

I have the coolest car, the coolest guitar, a good looking girlfriend, studying something because it'll fill my pockets.

I can judge people by the car they drive, and it's quite easy behind the wheel of a mercedes benz. I can step the gas pedal and leave behind any creep in a hyunday who thinks he has a cool car, or thinks the fact of having a car 18 years newer than mine makes it any better. In ten years my car will look and run the same than in 1985, but their's will be repair parts spread all over the world.

And I'm happy, specially because of d, not so much because of the car, nor my six-string, nor anything else.

Gotta make lot of homework...

Mood: Great.
Listening to: Ziggy Stardust-David Bowie.

2003-03-21T14:22:00.000-06:00

..::I'm killing me::..

Check this: Me sitting on a chair, making my programming practice, helping three persons with their jobs, practicing for my exposition and meaking drawings of programming homework, all at the same time, uh, and talking with d in the messenger. In one hour I was as tired as if I worked five.

But it's funny, knowing I can do all that stuff and do it right.

Mood: Great.
Listening to: China Girl: David Bowie.

2003-03-19T13:03:00.000-06:00

..::Enjoy yourself, America!::..

I don't watch much tv, I never read the newspapers, but news are spreading that the most hated human is finally gonna get his war (for americans: the most hated human of this times is your funny republican president).

2003-03-17T13:59:00.000-06:00

Don't know if it's true... you tell me

You're just about Crazy enought to feel at home on the net. Congratulations. Here, have a pickle.

What Kind of Blogger are you?

2003-03-17T13:21:00.000-06:00

..::Her hands...so forbidden::..

Have you ever been crazy for someone who's much older than you? I know this woman, since I saw her some months ago, I'm conscient she's one of the better looking humans I've seen. She's astoundingly smart, laughs all the time, she's young at heart and can be childish sometimes.

The only problem is that she's more than twice my age, and she's married, even has sons and daughters who are like my age.

I saw her today, and she looked so damn good, I can't believe how good she looks, it's out of this world.

I wonder if her daughters are like her...

..::But she's the one my heart belongs to

Wonder what would happen if d could see my mind, or, in a better case, this blog. She'd see how much I love her, but also how much I doubt, how my mind wanders like a mad dog near other women. how I fear, how I hate, how I know we only improve our lives thru pain, how I fake a smile when she does things I know she will not change for me.

But it could ease a bit my soulburn, it could save us but it could end us, so my mind remains as a closed door to her, my heart bearer.

Mood: Amazing.
Listening: Fiction (dreams in digital)-Orgy.

2003-03-15T09:18:00.000-06:00

..::I was right, she makes a great friend::..

Last night, Michelle wrote an email to me, even though we were chatting in messenger, so I wrote back, then we ended up chatting in email (it's non practical at all). After one hour we had sent each other like 50 messages, it was like a race, it was so funny. So it's confusing: everyday I'm closer to d, but at the same time I'm having more fun with other person. But anyway, it's something very different, it's inofensive, but I worry.

This blog is becoming a theme of conversation all around, friends, people in school, this is getting famous, so I gotta watch my words a bit. I mean, if I say something I gotta be ready to defend it, to face the people I talk about, this blog is not only about me, but also about every person I talk about.

..::Something new is on the way::..

The new look of the blog is almost done, in my mind, soon I'll start working.

..::Free publicity::..

The other day I downloaded Winamp 3, it's really cool, kicks ass to the media and mp3 players that computers have as default.

Mood:Still very happy.
Listening to:Gel-Collective Soul.

2003-03-13T10:51:00.000-06:00

Heaven!

I'm not supposed to tell you this... but on monday I reached heaven for the first time. Now I'm the happiest man I know.

Mood: Happier than ever.
Listening to: Forever-Skid Row.

2003-03-10T10:33:00.000-06:00

500!!! visits
My elusive counter says today: 502 hits. Thanx everybody!

Mood: Ok.
Listening to: Never Gonna Stop-Rob Zombie.

2003-03-07T14:08:00.000-06:00

This blog's template stinks!

Images disappear... counter doesn't work... colors are boring... width is a mess. How is it that a programmer has such a cheesy webpage? Gonna make some changes, soon, I promise... maybe even some flash html could be nice. don't know if server supports it.

2003-03-05T21:02:00.000-06:00

Femme Fatales

Now, that's a redundant term for me. Any woman is a tramp. Any woman is poison but I gotta have the taste. Statistics are right: all the girls I've been close did hurt me.

Four is a nice number
The other day I was talking to a girl in the place I study her name is Michelle (hint hint) and I found out there are just four people I like to be with or talk to: d, michelle, maricela and my old friend david. david is a guitar player I met studying archaeology, he had a cool rock and roll look and played guitar very well.

I'm going to die

When i kill myself i'll...

Find
out your most ideal means of suicide by clicking here

Mood: Fine.
Listening to: Little Wing-Jimi Hendrix

2003-03-01T18:52:00.000-06:00

A classy psycho

If i was a serial killer i would be Jack the Ripper.

Jack the Ripper, by far the most notorious killer of all time. What would drive a man to kill 5 prostitutes, surgically mutilate the bodies, then stop, to never be heard from again? Most of the murders were pretty much the same, the victim had her throat cut and her abdomen exposed, the intestines were placed over her right shoulder and sometimes a kidney or even the heart had been removed.

Jack the RIpper's murders are still unsolved.

Kill count: 5

Find what serial killer you would be, Take the Serial Killer Quiz now!

2003-03-01T09:42:00.000-06:00

..::The big jump into the void::..

Tomorrow I'm gonna do something I've been wanting to do: Bungee jumping. It's strange that me, a death darer, famous for my suicidal tendencies, never tried bungee jumping before. I want to do skydiving, but that's expensive, maybe in a few months... I know it's gonna be like when I got into piercing, I'm gonna get addicted to it. I used to pierce my ear a lot times and an eyebrow, but my mother made a mess, so I took it all out; now d says she likes me without piercing, and she's the boss. But bungee jumping is something they'd never could take away from me, even if I have to scape on sundays to do it.

Wish me luck in the big jump, if I don't write anymore is because the rope was too long or something.

Mood:I wish I'd sleep more often.
Listening to: I Wanna Be Sedated-The Ramones

2003-02-27T19:56:00.000-06:00

..::Tragic and funny::..

Isn't it funny the way jealousy works? When someone I don't actually love, but I appreciate, is next to someone else, I'll be jealous. But when I'm next to another girl, or when I talk about my girlfriend, or about someone from my past, I couldn't figure out if she feels bad about it.

But, like I say nearly all of the time and nearly about anything: "I can handle it".

Anyway, I'm like a lizard, I can lose my tail, and it grows up again, if someone tries to get me and gets the tail. I can decide I don't care if something hurts, I can let go part of me, so I grant myself a way out.

I'll try to avoid talking lots about d, cause she acts strange when I do.

Mood:Fine (What's this guy doing with her?)

Listening to: Breathe-Prodigy.

2003-02-25T12:21:00.000-06:00

Listen to the quiz, the quiz is right

I am the Star

Daily life is harsh, and most of us constantly seek escape from it in fantasies and dreams. Stars feed on this weakness; standing out from others through a distincitve and appealing type, they make us want to watch them. At the same time, they are vague and ethereal, keeping their distance, and letting us imagine more than is there. Their dreamlike quality works on our unconscious. Learn to become an object of fascination by projecting the glittering but elusive presence of the star.

Symbol: The Idol. A piece of stone carved into the shape of a god, perhaps glittering with gold and jewels. The eyes of the worshippers fill the stone with life, imagining it to have real powers. Its shape allows them to see what they want to see - a god - but it actually just a piece of stone. The god lives in their imaginations.

What Type of Seducer are You?
created by polite_society

2003-02-24T13:13:00.000-06:00

Precious declaration

Got somethin' to say:

1. I'm a man that can handle temptation, under certain limits.
2. I'm a man who keeps a notion of limits, and never gets out of self-control.
3. I'm weak, but I'm conscient of weakness, and I replace strength with brains.
4. I love my woman.
5. I love someone else, too.
6. How to remain loyal in this situations? Have no idea, but I do.
7. And we're all happy with things like this.
8. An impossible love is not so bad for health.
9. And she makes a great friend anyway.

Mood: Wonderful.
Listening to: Wish You Were Here-Pink Floyd (d dedicated this song to me!!! ^-^)

2003-02-22T09:39:00.000-06:00

Cool but useless

Dancing Bush More political stuff in my blog

The Death Clock I'm gonna die in 2018 (More than I expected, man)